I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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