look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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