I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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