he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
