I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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