I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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