Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just blew my weed a kiss
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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