wrigley field is MILF paradise
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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