My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
