I heard we made out
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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