Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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