You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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