I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
