Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
