My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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