I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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