I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
