Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
