Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
