I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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