I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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