Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
