I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
