i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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