I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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