dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
