so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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