So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
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My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
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Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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