I just threw up on my dentist
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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