The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You are the jesus of drinking
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
