I can text with my tongue
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
