I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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