tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
