i think i have herpe
just one?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
