I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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