How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
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I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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