Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
