You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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