She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
