u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
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If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
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So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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