its not stalking. its research.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
