He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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