I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
