hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
