Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
