the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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