I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
