We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
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I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
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Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
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