her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
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If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
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Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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