First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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