if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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