Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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