Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
