Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
